Grieving Forward

Honestly, the sadness, loss, grief, and suffering is getting to be a bit much, and I don’t just mean my own. The people around me here and at home seem to be having a rough go of it lately. It is probably due to my personal connections to grief, but I feel very attuned to the suffering of others right now, and the weight is getting exhausting.

Spiritually, I feel - disconnected. Generally, I feel compartmentalized. Some of this is a coping mechanism, some of this is the grief process, and a lot of it is avoiding the underlying current of turmoil. These feelings are not uncommon or unique to me. Suffering and grief are certainly areas where I can connect in solidarity with this community, but I avoid comparison. Being broken down without breaking down.

There is clearly unfairness and randomness in the world when it comes to illness and death. I have been exposed to it because my dad is a funeral director. I became an emergency room nurse and the ‘chance’ of it all became blindingly obvious: a youth whose heart stops abruptly, otherwise healthy people whose lives end at the behest of the flu - the stories of unexpected and tragic endings to life continue.

But there is this general heart ache affecting me right now. I try to be kind to myself, but I have this guilt over not mourning some things more. I see a picture of our friend who passed, and I miss her - but I feel like I should miss her more or more often. I feel a little disconnected and a little numb.

Of all the things I try to rectify with my spirituality, life and death tend to be avoided. If I thought these were decisions being made, I would have a genuine anger that might be irreconcilable. So my worldview and spirituality are shaped with this acceptance of chaos. And now I try to ease the suffering that this chaos imposes on the world, but somedays it would be nice to feel immune to it myself.

I kindly request your patience as this week I search for my voice, a story I feel is worth telling, and/or some positivity to catalog. In the mean time, may you all have peace, comfort, and joy and bounds of compassion for the daily struggle everyone around you is encountering. 

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